I'm Hurting You Because I Love You
by Wild Weeb
Summary: She was a monster. She couldn't allow herself to love him. And yet, try as she might...she just couldn't help it.


She couldn't bring herself to look in the mirror.

She never could, really, but now–because of HIM–she could bear it even less.

She'd never felt adequate. For every person who'd told her she was beautiful there were three who'd say the opposite. For every kindness, five insults. For every expression of love, ten of hate. The cruelty of the world had gotten to her, torn her down, ripped away her very being.

They'd hated her so much she'd started to hate herself.

Even as a child, she was always the butt of the jokes, the object of torment. All seemed to look down on her with scornful sneers.

All but one.

* * *

Six years old. Kids had always shied away from her because of her crimson eyes and platinum hair. Now they teased her for it.

"Loser!"

"Freak!"

"Stupid!"

"Weirdo!"

"Hey, stop that!"

It was at that voice which she looked up and saw her defender, a short blond boy. At his angered tone, the other kids quieted down, looked amongst each other, and, one by one, left. Only then did the blond boy actually look at her.

He made no mention of her unusual features; he only offered his hand. She took it with little hesitance, and he pulled her up.

"My name's Nero," he said, not yet releasing her hand.

"H-Haku," she answered nervously, still unsure of this boy.

Then he did take his hand back. "I'll see you, then, Haku." And she'd merely watched as he turned and left.

* * *

Ten years old. She still wouldn't call him her friend, but she talked to him sometimes, and he'd protected her from bullies countless times since their meeting. Today they were walking home together from school. She hadn't realized yet that he lived in the other direction.

A female voice behind them called out, "Hey! You! With the white hair!"

She knew she was being addressed, but she ignored it anyway. She recognized the voice as a girl who teased her a lot and had never bothered calling her by name, and she really didn't want to deal with her right now. So she didn't hear when the other girl ran up to her. It was the tug on her long hair that alerted her to the other girl's proximity.

She let out a squeak, not expecting her hair to be pulled. She let out another when the girl pulled it back much harder.

"Hey, I was talking to—!"

The girl didn't finish her sentence as he hit her. Brought his hand down right on her arm in a swift karate chop. She shrieked as she retracted her hand, staring at him in horror before she ran screaming.

"Nero!" the white-haired girl exclaimed. "What if she tells?!"

The blond boy only shrugged, nonchalant, turning and continuing their walk. "She was going to hurt you. It's okay if I hit her, because she started it."

She had no valid argument, and so remained silent the rest of the way home, trying to think of one.

* * *

Thirteen years old. She still didn't want to think of him as her friend, although she'd recently found herself drawn to him more and more, yet nervous around him. It scared her, feeling like this, especially about him. So she'd decided to go home alone, hoping that distance would kill these feelings.

It didn't.

She couldn't think about anything else; she barely even saw where she was going. Not until she bumped into something was she jarred from thoughts of him.

It was a tall man that she'd walked into. Though he looked more amused than angry, she couldn't help apologizing profusely and bowing repeatedly, rather ashamed of herself.

He laughed. "It's quite alright. Really, it is. It was just an accident, right?"

She nodded, though still refused to look him in the eye. "Still...I—"

"Don't worry about it." She couldn't see his expression, the way the light in his eyes changed as he took in her features, from her soft hair to her pale skin to her developing chest. "Actually, can you help me with something?"

She looked up, curious, as he gestured for her to follow him...somewhere. "Er...I don't—"

"It won't take long, promise. I need some help finding my apartment; see, I only moved here recently."

He took out a notepad and showed her the address. "Can you show me the way there?"

"W-well...I don't—"

"You _did_ run into me after all. If you want to make it up to me, I think this seems fine."

He suddenly seemed much more ominous, and she started backing away. Before she got far, though, he lashed out and caught her by the wrist. He pulled her to him, covering her mouth and nose with his hand. She thought she heard him say something, but she couldn't be sure.

She writhed in his arms, trying to escape, but to no avail. She needed air, and he clearly wasn't going to allow her any.

Then she felt him go limp and shove her away. She landed, gasping, on her hands and knees. When she turned, her eyes went wide.

"Nero...?"

Said boy turned to her–turned away from the body crumpled on the ground. "He's fine," the blond stated as he kneeled next to her. "But are you?"

She couldn't speak. Her cheeks felt warm and her throat seemed dry, neither of which had to do with her being near-suffocated a minute ago. All she trusted herself to do was nod.

He didn't believe her, she could tell from his eyes, but he didn't comment as he held out his hand for her. She took it, he pulled her up, and she reminded herself that she could not be in love with her savior.

* * *

Sixteen years old. She watched as he turned down another girl. She couldn't understand why he never just said yes to the girls that confessed to him so the rest would stop bothering him.

They talked less than they used to. They'd grown further apart. She'd pushed him away, afraid of him, afraid of herself, afraid of hurting him and being hurt by him. He still saved her from bullies and the like, but she no longer took his offered hand, no longer leaned on him, no longer let him save her.

Yet every time she watched a girl confess to him, she felt a pang.

Jealousy? Possibly. Something else? ...Yes.

She felt happy when he turned them all down. He rarely thought about it; he just bluntly rejected them. And though she hated herself for it, it always made her feel somewhat smug.

Not that she had any reason to.

She might've been the one to push him away, but she missed him nonetheless, and she'd gotten into bad habits as a result. She'd tried to find ways to fill the gaping hole it left in her heart, tried to drain the hurt from her veins, but nothing worked. She loved him, and she missed him, but she'd never let herself be near him.

Maybe she needed to be one of those girls. Maybe she needed to tell him so that he could respond with what she really needed: a mercilessly honest rejection.

But she knew she never could.

She'd never have enough courage.

All she could do was run from it. Even if she could never escape it.

* * *

"Haku?"

She was sitting in his house, still shivering despite having changed into drier clothes. Sitting there, in his bathroom, on the edge of his bathtub after using it to shower, hair still damp, she couldn't bring herself to answer him, to look at herself. Why, oh why did he always have to save her?

She hadn't wanted saving.

"I know you're not okay. What's going on? Is someone bothering you? Tell me."

Oh, if he only knew.

She said nothing. She didn't trust herself to. Twenty years old and she still hadn't had the nerve to tell him how she felt. Seven years spent avoiding him, pushing him away, and her feelings had only grown stronger. She hated it. Hated loving him. Hated having to protect her protector from the monster she believed herself to be.

"...Haku, can I come in?"

He must have taken her silence as an affirmation, because he opened the door and just stood there, watching her. She couldn't look at him, couldn't look at how perfect he seemed. His hazel eyes clouded with worry for her, framed by his blond bangs, were the only things she would've changed. He shouldn't be worried for her; it was himself he should be worried for.

He stepped in and walked toward her, stopping just in front of her. "Haku."

At her silence he kneeled down to look her in the eye. "Why were you in the river?"

She turned, unable to face him. She'd always felt he was reading her thoughts through her eyes, and the thoughts in her head right now were ones she could never let him know.

He leaned closer, voice lowered to a whisper. "Why were you trying to drown?"

She felt the tears threatening at the corners of her eyes, and apparently he saw them. He lifted a hand to cup her cheek. "Tell me," he said in that soft voice of his. And she allowed herself to forget that she had to push him away, that she had to protect him, that she couldn't love him, as she sobbed and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his collar.

She felt his arms wrap around her, felt him pull her against him, and just cried into his neck. "I'm sorry...for being alive...I just...I didn't...I-I'm so sorry...!"

She heard him shushing her softly as his hand ran up and down her spine. "Hey...don't say that...shh...hey, it's okay...you're okay now..."

"No...no, it's not okay." She forced herself to push away, to leave the warmth of his embrace. He looked at her questioningly. He looked concerned, hurt, angry, and sad, all at once, all for her sake. She couldn't stand it, his kindness. "Why do you care? Why did you ever care? What am I to you?!"

He only gazed at her as she silently realized what she'd said. "I-I mean...I—"

"Haku," he addressed her, and her words died in her throat as she heard him speak in a tone she'd never heard from him, had rarely heard from anyone, especially directed at her.

"I care about you. I hate seeing what you do to yourself, allowing yourself to waste away like this. It hurts _me_; I can't imagine how you feel. When's the last time you actually ate something?"

He received no answer.

"And did you really think I never noticed how you always wear long sleeves? Did you think I couldn't smell the alcohol on your breath? Do you think I forgot that you can't swim, or that I'd believe you fell in the river by accident?"

Still no answer.

"What happened to you? Why did you start pushing me away? What did I do? Please, Haku, tell me."

She let out a long, shaky sigh. "I...I wanted to...to protect you."

"Protect me? From what?"

"From me."

And suddenly words came rushing out: how she was afraid of her feelings for him, how she didn't want to hurt him, how she was just trying to protect him from the monster that she was.

He looked a little incredulous as she finished. "That...that's what this was about? You protecting me?"

She nodded, suddenly very shy and embarrassed and realizing that she was in his house.

A grin spread itself across his face then, which added confusion to her emotional maelstrom. "You needn't have bothered."

He threw his arms around her, and said the words she'd been unable to tell him: "Yowane Haku, I love you."

And she returned the embrace as the words sank in, a fresh wave of tears pouring out with all the pain and loneliness she'd bottled up over the years as she uttered another phrase she'd never actually said to him: "Thank you."


End file.
